Land of Fallen Angel

A blink and 365 days passed

2010-01-10T23:13:00.002+08:00

Happiness embracing me leaves me no time for blogging.
Nothing shall be said but words and gratitude to whoever brought me happiness.
Friends,family and my the other half are what that keeps me going.
GX and school work are what that keep me sane.
All I ask for the new year?
Nothing. I already have everything that I need.

Ugly People

2009-04-28T00:37:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I haven been picking up my cam to take photos
I dun need to be remind how ugly some people are,how destructive we are to the environment,how heartless we are towards history. I hate seeing old building tearing down and replaced by the mould we created : Skyscrapers.
Its time for me to save my precious B/W film for Down Under. yeah.........zero degrees over there now,RIGHT NOW. I'll be frezzing my ass off when coming to june. Good Luck Ass

B

2009-04-28T00:34:00.004+08:00

A good year of happiness.
365 days of mad love.
12 months of changes.
4 weeks of friendship
1 true love.

'nuff said. Happy anniversary my dear.
Love you.

dr HOUSE

2008-12-04T16:58:00.002+08:00

People who knows me know that I simply adore the drama HOUSE. After spending hours watching HOUSE,I must admit,I do miss my radiotherapy job ; Life-Changing experiences. I do hope I did make some of my patients life better,be it the physical part or the psychological aspect.
BUT
I do love my studies now.Alright,I admit,Eve = Contradicting Bitch

Time flies and here I am

2008-09-18T11:26:00.002+08:00

It had been nearly a month since I turned 26. I guess I'm a little too old to do any reflection now. Looking ahead should be more practical. It had been 9 weeks Since I started school and things had been kind. Enjoyed the piling of drawings to be done,squeezing every single drop of my brain juice for my 3D projects and pulling my hair out while trying to do my creative process.Health hasn't been too good,most prob its due to the late nights and trying to juggle between school and my work. I guess I had already slowly slip into the routine and it is just a matter of time that I get used to it.

Baby had been always there when I need someone the most. Close to 5 months since our paths crossed and it had been nothing but happiness so far. Being myself,when things are so smooth sailing,I tend to worry and panic. But past lessons had taught me well.Enjoy every moment as if it is the last.Well said indeed.

Nafa 1I

2008-08-12T10:01:00.004+08:00

4 weeks into school had been crazy! Drawing,projects and more drawings. Although am really busy and feeling drained at times,I do enjoy school! The first 2 weeks,my class had been so quiet..only managed to talk to Rena and Din..........but one of the photography class, we managed to break the ice. A bunch of us actually spent 4 hours talking and doing nothing @ Starbucks! I reckon it will be our weekly activity.

Balancing between work and school had been tough. Feeling guilty for not able to spend time with baby and had actually been venting my frustrations on her. Am so glad she had been so understanding ad stood by me all these while. Love ya baby.....can;t wait for our holidays to BKK month end!!!

Alrighty...back to my layout...got to present in an hour time...DIE!!!

My almost-perfect life (apart for work !)

2008-07-08T13:33:00.003+08:00

Work had been crazy, extremely crazy, for the past 3 weeks. 4 classes everyday had been a toll; physically and mentally. At point of times, I seriously just wanna stay at home and sleep for hours. Am glad I keep my Saturday a off day. The only time to retreat from the hectic world and spend quality time with my family and her. At times I feel so bad, for I can only see her after my work. It had been a long day for her as well, yet I still have to work after normal office hours,that leaves minimum time for us. Been feeling extremely clingy when I'm under physical or mental stress and she's always by my side. We may not had been together for a long time, yet the attachment to her is so big that at times I tend to worry a little. I had always been quite independent in relationships in the past and I can do without see my the other half for days..... But as for now, I just want to spend all, if not, at least most of my time with her.

I foresee myself being even busier when school starts. Part of me is really looking forward for it,as I finally can do what I had always wanted to do. However, part of me hopes school won;t start so early because I know I'll have less time for her. Oh well, just see how things goes.

Life had been kind to me for the past months and I really love my almost-perfect life now. For now, let me embrace in my almost-perfect life... :)

A picture paints a thousand words

2008-06-17T00:46:00.002+08:00

'nuff said.

A minute of silence

2008-06-11T16:07:00.005+08:00

My Dayang diving trip come and go in a blink. Weather was bad and it was practically raining cats and dogs for the 2 days. The Sun went into hibernation and I hardly got a tan (Damn). Time was spent slacking by the long house dining area and letting go of my thoughts. 3 dives were spent breathing through my regulator and making bubbles.

Unfortunately, something tragic happened on Saturday night. The few if us, together those who came back from the night dive,were having our dinner at the dining area. Suddenly we heard someone shouting
"HELP NEEDED HELP NEEDED" from the jetty not far from us. The first thought that came to my mind is that "damn,someone must had lost the footing and dropped into the water" Noel and Nelson ran to the jetty to check it out (they were like the regulars on the island) Noel came back with his face pale,looking for first aid box. I tried not to ask what happened but I reckon its something serious. Nelson came back and told us someone actually got cut by the propeller of a boat! FUCK!!!!!!

After almost an hour of shock, Nelson came back and told us that this group of divers were actually doing their night dive at the jetty! (How dumb can that be!!) Apparently, one of them actually ascended and got serious cut by the propeller. The back of the head, the whole of the biceps and the ribs were sliced. It was so serious that the biceps muscle were only attached by a piece of skin!! The guy was horribly cut and it was a bloody scene. He was attended right away to stop bleeding but was in a state of shock.They waited for the boat to bring him to the hospital at the main land. At the back of my mind, I'm certain he's not going to make it.

Eddy and Joshua went with the group and only came back late at night. In the morning,we received news that the guy died on the way. The whole atmosphere at the long house were gloomy,just like the weather. Saw that chap before on Saturday morning as we shared the dining area. He's young,maybe my age. And just like this, he's gone.

I feel bad, for life passes in a blink.

Just for him,A minute of silence was observed and may he find peace in the place where he is now.

Dive hard, Dive SAFE.

Past Posts

2008-06-06T15:18:00.003+08:00

I wonder why but I just clicked on my past blogs and started reading from the very 1st time I started this. I feel kinda weird reading my past. It looks alien and somehow,I can't seems to remember some of the stuff that happened to me; be it the good or the bad. My memory lane somehow only starts from the time I became an instructor. I think its due to old age that my memory is failing. Somehow reading my past makes me a happier girl now,at this very moment. I felt I had grown up a lot, leaving the traces of depressions and unhappiness behind and started a brand new life. I had wasted years trying to be someone whom I'm not, someone who is trying to please everyone else but herself. I'm glad I am who I am now, for I know, I'm truly me. I guess the best decision that I had made in these years is to quit my previous job and decide to pursue what I want to do all along. The journey may seems tough and long; trying to balance my full time studies and my full time free lance job as a GX instructor and as a gf to someone special, but I know at the end of the day, I won't be whining to anyone else as this is the path I had chosen for myself.

I wonder why but I had not been sitting down alone reflecting about the things happening to me. I reckon I had gone past that stage, for every step I take now is through serious thinking and consideration. I'm glad I had taken steps to revive friendships that I had thought long gone. As MJ always says; you don't need a tonne of friends, you only need a handful of real friends. Pasting my quarterlife crisis makes me realise the truth in this statement. I had friends who had went back to their hometowns or starting their lives somewhere else in the other hemispheres, new family commitments and of course, new lives are born. But somehow, I do not feel that I had lost them, instead, I felt that all of us had grow up together. We may not meet as frequent as before, but everytime we talk, it seems like good old times. I love that feeling.

2008 had been kind to me; good career in my GX, met a few friends whom I really and sincerely enjoyed their companies, salvaged friendships that meant the world to me and meant someone whom I felt special towards. Keeping my fingers crossed, hopefully things will get even better when my school term starts.

For now, I know that Im wearing a genuine smile on my face 24/7.

Yeah right,reflections before my diving trip later....I wonder why......

Finally

2008-06-03T09:47:00.003+08:00

After 5 days of physical torture,I'm finally back to my home sweet home. Been away to KL for the LM Quarterlies. The upcoming releases are such a blast that I can't wait to use them to torture, opps, I mean work the members hard! I can still feel the ache in my legs and shoulders. Glad to have stayed with Ed and JW. The 3 of us had such good fun.

On the other hand, I missed Singapore so much. I never had miss home so much even when I was away for days in the past. Guess I did miss my gf so much that it hurts. At times when I'm so physically tired from the classes I did back in Singapore, I know that at the end of the day,I'll get to see her. But when I'm in KL, Apart from the physical tiredness, I have to endure the fact that she's not around my side. The 5 days were mental torture. When I saw her walking towards me at the airport, I realised that I missed her more than I thought so. I have 4 days with her before leaving for my diving trip. Thank God its only over the weekend, BUT, I will be totally cut off from her as there's ZERO reception over my small island. Arghh...
She's right, absence makes the heart fonder. These few days just further confirmed my feelings for her as its one of the rare times I missed someone so much that am near to tears, esp the last night of my trip when I'm coming down with flu, aching body and simply feeling so lousy.

In all,I'm just glad I'm home...... :)

Naughty, Naughty Shoulder

2008-05-27T10:34:00.004+08:00

Had a few great weekends. This coming weekend,I'm heading for KL for the quarterlies workshop. To be frank, I'm not really looking forward for it. I used to be so happy going quarterlies, but this time round, I'm gonna miss quite a few classes and time to spend with CW because of the long trip. And with my recurrent shoulder pain, I know that I'm not going to enjoy the workshop.

With school starting soon,I know that I will have less time in GX and that means.....LESS INCOME ! Say goodbye to afternoon tea,meeting up with friends (those who are bumming around like me..haa) and afternoon naps. Gonna request to work during Saturdays to keep up with the income I'm currently drawing. However, I'm still looking forward for it ! I'm welcoming July with my arms wide open!

Losing my voice is not funny. Everyone is asking me if I'm sick. No people,I'm just undergoing my second puberty ! When my voice breaks, I'll be a grown up (again) If only I can grow taller and erm...you know...LoL.. My triple shot Latte is making me crappy.

Anyway, moving along, I'm finally going diving ! Although this time am only going Dayang, I know I'll have lots of fun with Zann, Eddy and Jenny... hopefully, Yvonne and Weiye gonna make it! Its really the sun,the sand,the sea and great company that makes a good weekend.Oh yeah..lots of beer as well!

I know while I'm enjoying myself, I know I gonna miss her lots . :(

Close to 100 photos within a month, both of us can get an award for being camwhores! Haaa...

Gonna see Sheryl for my screwed shoulder soon. I know she's gonna verbally screwed me.....hais

Missing You

2008-05-21T02:16:00.003+08:00

Missing someone is not funny....This is what my MacBOOK does when I miss her so much at 2 in the morning....

Congrats Don !!

2008-05-16T01:57:00.002+08:00

Finally got a call from Don,my best friend ever, at..... 2AM !!!! (Almost managed to sleep till he woke me up!!) And he broke the great news,she said YES !! Don actually flew all the way from Korea to propose to his gf,who is here for a course. I was extremely happy for him. He's someone dearest to me and I sincerely wishing the best for him. I know this is the happiest moment of his life.

To Don : Hey bestie, I'm really so happy for you. I know that both of you will live in bliss ever after...BUT....... 2 tickets to korea please when you get married ok.... Haaa Haaa... But on the serious note, you had travelled miles and spent the past 26 in search for the life partner and you finally found someone to spend the rest of your life with, cherish her yeah. All the best and love ya,my best friend. Can't wait to see you on Saturday night !!!!!!

It always feels good to know someone close to you is happy.

To love, To be loved, To be in love

2008-05-15T01:16:00.003+08:00

Life had been so kind to me that I asked for nothing more that what I have now. I once mentioned in one of my entries :
To love and to be loved is happiness
To be in love is pure bliss

That's what is happening to me now ; PURE BLISS

Life had never been so good , and I hope it will just freeze in time now,for then it will never end.

p/s : CW , Love you to bits,you complete the missing piece in my life.

4 hours

2008-05-12T10:15:00.002+08:00

It took me 4 hours to transfer all my memories to Flickr . A testimonials of my life,my friends and people who matters. I have more,more memories than I can imagine.

Now left my lomographs and B&W....damn....

What Makes A Perfect Weekend?

2008-05-11T22:56:00.009+08:00

Good Company
Good Food
Good movie
Family time
Beer (yes,lots of it !)
No work
Coffee
Breakie
Quality chat with close friends
Quality time spent with someone you love
Watching the world passes by
Lots of fun and laughters

This is how I spent my last weekend :)

Mother-To-Be

2008-05-08T12:11:00.003+08:00

Met up with Joline for breakie,usual practice if I have to do morning class.Haven seen her for a week and her tummy seems to grow bigger! In less than 2 months,her precious daughter will get to meet all of us...Hmmm..maybe not me,remember,I'm allergied to kids,they give me rashes...haaahaa...
She totally prepared for her daughter and doing yoga (of course I'm the one who recommmanded her lah) and I am starting to plan what to get for her. She'll be moving back to Sambawang and I may be renting her Redhill place...let's see how it goes. Dropped by my ex office to pay some of my friends a visit. The whole place seems to be the same ; busy and noisy. Glad to see some of them.
Hope Joline will have a smooth delivery .. looking forward to meet her and MayMay up for MayMay's birthday lunch next Saturday!

LIFE

2008-05-07T00:37:00.005+08:00

You know your life is close to perfect when ....
You wake up with a big smile
You look forward to every single day
Sometimes,you just starting grinning...with no apparent reason
Everyday is filled with laughters,laughters and more laughters
Every night,you fall asleep with a smile on your face
And you know......
Nothing else matters

This is how I feel about my life now :)

Pure Bliss

2008-05-05T01:14:00.006+08:00

I can still remember the very first time when I saw her in class... never I thought she is interested in me nor I realised I do have the same for her.I just felt that she's so darn cute !! We just started out as member-instructor when she started to attend my classes more regularly,then became friends and the rest is to be left unsaid.For all I know,she's everything I had been looking for. She simply blew me away with her inteligence,passion in the things she does and believe, and most importantly,we celebrate the similarities we share. The feeling is simply magical and every single conversation we shared is just simply so engaging.I'm just so glad things ended this way. When a friend asked me :"R U sure you are serious?" The first answer is YES. My own jaws dropped when I heard myself. For the longest time,I had never felt this way and I simply hope it never ends or at least last for the longest time.After what happened the very last time,I told myself never to fall into the relationship trap again.But this time I actually convinced myself to step into it,considering the situation. I enjoy holding hands with her,hanging out with her,every single second I spent with her and I simply don't give a damn what people think when they see us.It's my life and I'm truly happy.PERIOD.

For now,I know I'm so in love with her and in total bliss. :)

-Untitled-

2008-05-02T01:33:00.005+08:00

Sometimes things happen
And you wish it will never ends
That's what I praying for now
For I haven felt this way for the longest time I can remembered

P/S : Yes,you are right...it feels like a dream and I hope I'll never ever have to wake up..........

Feeling Fuck'd

2008-04-28T03:43:00.003+08:00

Think the whole group of us just overeat,or rather just me.Wasn't feeling that great when I woke up on Saturday morning (when I barely sleep for more than 4 hours !!) and still have to drag myself out to meet S for lunch.Been procrastinating the lunch thing for way too long.Should had just told him I was feeling sick. But he's only back this weekend and he just flew back.Nevermind,he could see that my face was green and had so little for lunch that he sent me home. Ice cream with Regg and Kris was good except the B&J was way too cold and was sitted beside this group of irritating ah beng.whatever.
Would have a better time with the gang during dinner if I wasn't feeling sick.Managed to eat quite a fair bit.THAT WAS A BIG MISTAKE !!! I woke up at 6 plus in the morning to puke...OMG...My mum went up to me and ask me if I'm alright and gave me that queer look when she saw me trying sooooo damn hard to puke...I stared at her saying yes,I am if I can self- fertilized . I have the weirdest family.......trust me..LoL

Almost fainted during my 1st class and the 2nd and 3rd class were a torture ! The class itself was good!! I love my MW classes...but I really blank out during my back...I just have to look onto the floor and breath........OMG........my hands were so cold and my sweaty palms just didn't helped.Now I have issues to handle due to the sunday classes...feeling fuck'd...trust me...

Dinner was good , but haven had enough.....nvm....eat less,puke less I guess -_-
Got to take a sunday off to spend time with my parents,haven been really sit down and accompany them,apart from the usual sunday family dinner that my bro is rarely around.Maybe I should just forseek my June HK trip and treat my parents to a short trip to Genting (Weird,but my mum loves there !!! ) den I can have the whole house to myself over the weekend !!! See how it goes.....JW will properly skin me alive....WHO CARES !!

Things to be done.....SOON !!!
1) Clear my room
2) shopping at IKEA (again)
3)call lionel about my tatt and maybe the next one ( !!! )
4) get back to zann about dayang trip !!!! I WANNA GO !!!!! How ar...August BALI !!!!!!! I wanna my Mola Mola !!!! But I need to get my new wetsuit.......

Emo level rising for the past few week,weekends had been good,but its just way too short. I need another off day for my family !!!! Been drawing weird looking things on my sketchbook (down to my last page liao !! ) , using my colorsplash and disturb my cats......2 rolls of MF slides been lying there waiting to develop ! Better get my arse down to get it done...SOON !!

Seriously,I'm just waiting for school to start,I need to do things that requires my brain before it turns rusty.

Its weird seeing them in C's class today.They just walked past me.FULL STOP. Didn't even stop to say hi or even look. I seriously had thought I had gotten over them.But I guess I just came to realised that this pathetic worm here just cannot get over them. I guess everyone has a regret and this is properly one of mine.Whatever,up at 4am blogging is not doing me good...but I just couldn't sleep...been waking up every hour just piss me off......Just make me feel fuck'd...damn...

In a state of confusion

2008-04-27T22:20:00.002+08:00

If only they had offered me the post a year ago,I wouldn't be caught in this situation now.Stick to my plans and follow my dreams.Period

Apologize

2008-04-27T01:55:00.001+08:00

Don't ask me why,but this is on repeat in my itunes

Apologize - One Republic Ft. Timbaland
I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

------------------------

In a state of confusion,I wonder why

Loneliness

2008-04-17T14:52:00.003+08:00

Have you ever feel so lonely,even when you are among people on a crowded street?
So lonely that it just makes youwant to cry?
Maybe that's why I choose my current job - In consistant company of people,just to take my loneliness away for that moment

I miss her,miss her so much. I can still remember the warmth of her hands,the smile on her face,and the way she cover me with my blanket late at night. I yarn for her,so much so that I want to cry. If only I can have one min wit her,just one more minute.

I miss you,Grandma.

I'm still human

2008-04-06T20:53:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the hatic life had taken a toll on us emtionally that sometimes,I had forgotten how to take off the mask I'm wearing whole day long at the end of the day. I hate to appear so positive to everyone.I had enough...I had my own personal space,a space so dark that it's where I feel so confortable with my own skin. I want to cry,cry out loud. But I can't,I had forgotten how to be sad.Bipolar I guess.The feeling within me had become so strong that it became dreams.No matter how hard I try,tears wouldn't flow.Its only when the darkness falls,when I stopped thinking and when I enter my dreams,that I release every emtional tension in me.Waking up in tears and sobbing so hard that I can't catch my breath feels good.I love tears,I love to feel sad, at least I know,I'm still alive.....

Me : "Mum,can I cry?"
Mum : " No you can't,my dear.It just exposed your weakness."
Me : "But I feel so sad ... so painful ..... "
Mum : "When you think its not,it will go away"

Maybe my mum is right,when you stop thinking aout it,it'll just go away,hidden in the darkest corner of your memory.

Smashed

2008-03-20T13:21:00.001+08:00

I'm not kidding...I'm physically so tired that I'm on the verge to give up teaching for the next 2 weeks...I wonder why but its weird. I feel so sore all over,always feeling sleepy when I only took up 2 covers whole of this week (of course that's on top of my usual classes).As much as I feel so tired before classes,I just smashed the classes (and myself) when I'm on stage. Damn it. Even Adrain and Johnson said I dun look tired at all and Booo at me when I asked for a cover for my bodyCOMBAT class for wednesday.I just have to drag my way home after RPM last night and I'm now on bed feeling sleepy all over again when I had just woke up like an hour ago? 6 more classes to go this week and next week will be a little more classes...bless me...I'll be just so glad to stay alive by end of this week..

p/s : No matter how tired I am....I just cannot wait to inspire my RPM classes next week with the new release.Simply stunning!!

feeling fu*ked

2008-03-20T13:13:00.003+08:00

Woke up in cold sweat.Saw him in dreams. Reminded me of good times. Maybe seeing him all over again ain't a good idea at all...Feeling real shitty now...fuck'd

Random Bladdering

2008-03-13T02:24:00.003+08:00

Its weird in life when you feel empty even when you are so caught up with things the whole day.Sometimes we are so busy that we are numb ; numb from lonliness,emptiness. Its scary when you start to feel no need for anyone in your life. I guess that's what I'm feeling now. I'm so focus in my "wants" in life that I feel that its great to stay this way.I feel no need for that special someone to appear,for I feel I have no time to commit to something that may falls apart anytime.To have to survived from that heartache years ago had been tough,then comes another and I told myself; "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!" My heart still skips a beat when I hear about him,deep down inside I'm stil, wondering,what if...but I know I'll never find out why.Its wrong from the very start.I wished we had not keep in contact,for it might be so much easier to forget that pain.
But maybe Spencer is right ; I'm just trying to fool everyone,including myself that I'm fine,I'm happy.maybe I'm not...maybe I had already convinced myself that I'm fine...I'm just using "I have no time and I dun see the need now.." as an excuse to shut everyone out of my fragile heart....well.....with so many weddings coming......I hope I will not start to think otherwise.,for it may add to the misery I already have.

"....over the years,I tell myself everything I seen is not real,they are just illusions....after awhile,they just disappear...maybe they didn't,maybe its just me who finally convinced myself that they are unreal......" -Angela Dodson (Constantine)

-Spinng Deck : Gorecki (LAMB) -

The Leap Years

2008-03-02T00:41:00.005+08:00

The promise to meet every 29th Feb,A love that spreads over 12 years,a wait that happens only every 4 years.
I'm indeed very interested in catching the show,be it being a supporter for local film or its just so-me type of movie.
I may not be a big fan of Wong Li Lin,but from the trailer,I sense she may be the perfect cast for the role,Li Ann (based on what I read from Dr Catherine Lim's nouvella,The Leap Of Love)
Sometimes,its this type of movies that fill that empty spot of desire in me. Oh well,whatever.........

On second thoughts,being extremely emo recently,it may not be a wise choice to catch it.

1st Mrch 2008

2008-03-02T00:36:00.002+08:00

The union of 2 people in eternality.
The beginning of a life as one.
The choice made out of freewill,desire and love.
A life that starts at the moment of "I Do"
With the slipping of the rings mark the commitment both willing to take
And the kiss that seal their love
Upon seeing that,a sense of peace embedded me

Congrats Ling,I know you'll be living in bliss from this very day onwards
(Specially to the 1st in the trio to become MRS,love you lots and cheers to our friendship of 14 years!)

Mala of 108 sun salutations

2008-02-16T17:36:00.002+08:00

This morning was quite an experience ; A Mala of 108 sun salutations. To be frank, I took part simply because of this truly inspiring Yoga teacher leading the class. But it had been a truly inspired by the whole event. In that 70 mins, a class of 55 strangers came together and did a total 108 sun salutations,with everyone breathing together. It was arranged in 4 rounds of 27 sun salutations, with each one honoring different people and things. The first round is to release our thoughts and focus each sun salutation with a goal/wish/desire of ours leading to a better life,the second hornoring to the people we love,the third one to mother earth and the last round,someone we feel divine. I don't really feel anything for my first 10 sun salutations as I'm so focus on my movements and breath. But as everything comes naturally,I start to relax my mind,release my thoughts and things started to flood my mind. When the second round came,images of people whom I know, or once knew came into the picture. It started to get a little emotional.Then came the third and forth. I was surprised that I managed to complete the whole thing as I really feel very tired into the forth round.I don't know why,but its creepy,I feel sense of calmness within,deep in me.I love this feeling....I know I am going to sleep very very well tonight.....I know I will....

New direction

2008-02-06T17:24:00.001+08:00

"Life is like music, multi directional. It can changes its direction any time. All we need to do ; follow the tune and keep chasing the note,relax and chase,just like life. Focus in your inner voice,it will take you to where you should be" - Quoted by a yoga instructor in PURE

So True,very True

All I need to do now? Listen to my inner voice and follow my heart. All I need now is the direction in Life.

Its not funy

2008-02-02T22:33:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it...one moment I was happily teaching my afternoon RPM and doing my Restorative Yoga,the next I was down with bad stomach cramps,so bad that I was breaking out in cold sweats. And the next thing, I was in the hospital,getting treated for viral infection. WHAT THE FUCK! The feeling of shivering under my thick blanket,breaking out in cold sweats just freaks me out totally. My mum was at the edge of tears when she called my dad to bring me to the hospital as I was fading away. I can't even remember what happened when I was in the A&E,all i remembered was waking up with doctor telling me my blood pressure went down suddenly ! Took some blood test, had a drip and the doctior confirmed its a serious viral infection with unknown source. I insisted on getting discharged as I hates to stay in a hospital. Finally got myself out but has to go back tomorrow for more injection.How suay can I be,getting so sick before CNY ! My abs are still in pain (oh well,not from the crunches though) and my back hurts like hell from lying down too much. Dressing in layers now doesn't make any fashion statement. I miss my sunday classes........

I hate to go through these shit all over again. I spent 1/4 of my life lying on hospital beds and this is the last thing I wanna do now. Lying there in uncertainity freaks me out.But it brought backs memories of him.Awaiting for the results feels like infinity.

27 Dresses

2008-02-01T00:27:00.000+08:00

Just caught the movie...OMG...Its so nice, its one of the feel good movie....oh well,just one of those that set your emo mode beeping like crazy! Just soooooo me....

I never feel for the need for a wedding / marriage for its nothing but a hype.

To mark and ed : Congrats on your wedding ! Just so sad its not recognised here...but wtf ! Must meet up for drinks when ya guys back from honeymoon...great, 3 weeks to Atlantic City...BITCH!!! BoooOoOoooo

Random Thoughts

2008-01-29T00:50:00.000+08:00

Looking forward for HK trip in Feb
Suddenly I feel that I'm simply not travelling enough
I want to sleep whole day long
I want to go clubbing
I want to watch movie
I want to go toy shopping
I want to go Ikea shopping
I want to go CD/DVD shopping
I don't want to teach for a week
I want to cycle up KL again
I want to get wet in the rain
I want to stop crying for good
I want to watch HOUSE whole night long
I want to holiday with family
I want to see yun,ling,qin and joline
I want to do dinner at TIMBRE
I want to slack by Cafe Del Mar on sundays
I want to have long hair again
I want my hair Jet black
I want to renovate my room (AGAIN)
I want to draw
I want to go Bangkok and stay there
I want to travel to Aussie and Europe
I want to go back school...NOW
I want to listen to Massive Attack,Bjork,Lamb,Moby,BuddahBar,Hotel Costes,anyting but bodyPUMP,bodyCOMBAT,RPM,bodyATTACK's music
I want to swim
I want more cats
I want a place of my own

But Now, I want to sleep,but I can't !!

Random thoughts,pardon me....It must be the dvd,Requiem For A Dream,I had just watched that set my ranting mood going. Maybe its the bodyPUMP class I did that keeps me soooo awake.............

A new wave of energy swept upon me

2008-01-27T22:37:00.000+08:00

I'm always a do-er more than a think-er
I always tend to let my wonder mind takes charge
I'm someone who dwell in the past and let it hold me back
I'm someone who is afraid but loves to sobs
I'm someone who fears to look into your eyes when I talk to you just to protect myself
I hate it when people knows what I'm thinking
I hate it when you tell me to change
I hate it when you say you don't like my family
I hate it when I lose control of my life
I hate it when I feel fucked up for 99% of my 25 years
I hate it when I feel lonely
I hate it when I holds back in front of pple
I hate it when I wear this mask,in order to hide myself from people
I hate it when I feel for the need for someone to hold on
I hate it when I'm not bring the best outta me

But for now

I love me,myself and only me
For once, I see light in front of me
For once I feel alive
For once I love what I'm doing now
For once I'm looking forward for each day
For once I want to see into your eyes when I talk to you
For once I'm not afraid to cry
For once I'm not afraid of being myself
For once I love who I am now
For I know who I am, who I want to be and who I will be

P/S : I will love myself more if I can get a full back tattoo,all the way down my right thigh,or even a full left arm sleeve
HaHaHa

Channel 12

2008-01-26T01:11:00.000+08:00

I simply miss diving! Especially for someone who dived like at least 6-8 times a years? Haven been actively diving at least for the past 2 years. Been giving up lots of things due to my work. I simply hate it. Was so looking forward for my March Trip To Layang Layang when I heard it may not happen due to some issues and work commitment in the dive shop. Oh well, nothing I can do. I am not able to help them so I shall not be complaining....but...I was so looking forward for it ! The next big trip will only happen year end to Maldives...I can't wait that long. My addiction is acting up. Any more delay I may need to rent a tank and breath through my regulator in my room....damn...

Was chatting with a fellow friend from bluevoice and she was telling me she's organising a group in Japan to hold a peaceful protest against Humpbacks hunting somewhere in May...I have nothing to offer as its almost near to impossible to join them there. Haven been actively participating in the online promotion of the group either...wtf!! I need to get outta of job to engage myself in more meaningful things than work I guess......

Was cleaning up my room when I came across my box of photos... I want to pick up my camera and shoot again! Sat will be the day,after my yoga I guess.....should go doen to little india... 6 x 6 slides is definatley my choice !

My previous video company offering me a AP post...should I take it??

I always remember my dreams ; every single details
Dreams had always been vibrant in colors and voices.......is yours too?

Tough Cookie turning Soft Yogi

2008-01-16T00:30:00.000+08:00

Haha...guess what,I'm taking yoga classes outside FitnessFirst! OkOk.....I'm paying to do yoga,but after a year of teaching bodyPUMP,bodyATTACK,RPM and bodyCOMBAT,its taking a toll on my body. Recently been feeling the ache especially in my lower back....must be getting OLD....OMG!!! As said in the previous post, I wanna love and take care of my body more,so I decided to take the first step Yoga, facials and more pampering ..... but u know wat,it will take toll on my wallet..hai.....

Caught a few good films over the weeks ; My bluberry nights (By my idol Wong Kar Wai and of cos Jude Law!),I am Legend (okok,I'm still a zombie movie freak in heart) and oh yes, Across The Universe!
Next on my hit list ; Mr Average, P/S : I LOve You and Citizen Dog!!!

Hongkong from 18th Feb till 23rd Feb...Oh Yes!!!!!!

2.0.0.8

2008-01-09T15:49:00.000+08:00

it had been the longest time since I had leave marks in this blog.
A year had passes just in a blink. For the past year,things had been good in general,except for little stumbles here and there.But I guess its life,right guys?
One of the few things that had been fantestic in year 2007 is quitting my job and went into GX. I still remembered saying that in an entry that I felt maybe I'm not made for it. But for the past year,I realised its not if one is made for it anot,it all boils down to ;How much you want it?How badly you need it?
I sees that all in the upcoming new trainees. In some,I see my old self, that ME when I first started. I really hope I can help them to achieve what they want and I sincerely hope that the belief they have when they first start will keep them alive as long as they can. Road is long,tough and sometimes cruel,but as long as you keeo the belief that you can do it,you'll achieve it.
I may not be a fantestic instructor, but at least,I enjoy every moment of it and I hope they can feel it. The happiest thing is to see my sunday and monday classes growing,in term in number and the strength of the members.I feels so good when I sees some of them carrying much heavier weights in class and keep to perfect techniques. But the best part is the bond within them, seeing them as a whole,not just someone who merely dropped by for a class, esp for the sunday class at MW. Its simply a bond we share,I sees that class as a family,a family that had grown with me, supported me till this very moment. Thanks people,its you who made who I am now.
New year resolutions? Don't think I 'll set any. After so many years, I came to realised that its not the resolutions that keep me going (since I dun remember fulfilling any..hahaha) but the belief in life I have in life that keeps me going. And I know that 2008 will be a blast for me !

P/S : A special thanks to sepecial pple like faye,andrew and JW,if not for pple like you,I won't be who I am now. Thanks for believing in me. Love you guys. Hugs

. . .

2007-12-04T02:25:00.000+08:00

Am I truly happy now? Or am I trying to deceive people, or even myself? Even S notice it. Am I being fair? I'm just trying to forget him.Trying. S, I'm sorry,so sorry. I just cannot get him out of the system. I’m just so tired trying to be happy.

A New Day Has Come

2007-11-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

The way our paths cross is weird
But I'm glad it did
The day our lives become one
Is the day I believe in
Happiness

Looking Back...If only......

2007-11-13T01:13:00.000+08:00

Its one of the days where you start to read your old blog entries. I had started to blog less and less.Not just because I am busy with work,GX and studies, its also due to the fact that I start to realise I always blog about the same thing.Maybe I see this as an outlet,a shelter.I spent about an hour reading back my entries.For the past year,most of my entris were dark,sad and depressing.Day in day out, I am talking about the same thing,or rather,the same person. I start to wonder what happen to me. After the previous "relationship", I had told myself,commitment?no way.Love is nothing but hurt,sadness and lonliness at the end of the day.That emotinal scar that had left a trail in me is forever.But as mush as I try hard to control and hold my emtions,I failed.AFter reading the entries,I asked myself,If I were to disappear one day,will he ever shed a tear for me? If I were to lose all my memories of him,will he feel that pinch within him?If there is one person he were t remember,will it be me? Everytime when I caught a sight of him,my heart skipped a beat,and it still does now.Does he feel the same too? I don't think so. I had tried so hard to deny any more feelings for him,but am I true to myself? I don't think so.Everytime when I had gathered my guts to confront him,I back off when I sees him. I am just so afraid to risk it all,because friendship is the only thing that connect us together and I simply don't want to lose that connection.I just don;t want to lose him.If only he reads this and simply tell me straight in the face or just tell me,tell me that noting more than friends will be ever possible,it will hurt,but not for long.If only.......

Headaches had been frequent and fear crept onto me. My last episode of headaches had left me scarred.Is it getting bad or it will be just another round of medication to keep it under control? I don't know.

Insaintity

2007-11-04T23:46:00.000+08:00

Its all over,I'm totally over him. It just hurts and pissed just to realise that you mean nothing to him at all.I guess it just had to hit you so hard to knock sense into me. I start to hate combat,so its the bond between us,hold us and now,I just want to get away from it,so that I can forget how the bond feels like,how we used to hang out,how we know each other.ok...i'm just bladdering.wateva

yes....Best Friends Forever...

Innocent Love

2007-09-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

Had a bbq with my group of friends,mind you,PRIMARY SCHOOL friends ! Yes, we're the the proud children from class 6.4 of Tampines Primary School ! We had knew each other for....OMG....14 years ! The turnout for this year BBQ is great ! 10 of us. We had great fun ; playing games like soccer,mahjong,and guess what, HEARTATTACK (so old school...hahaha) and of cos,boys will always be boys...RISK is the top on their list ! Sometimes its bonding like this that makes me realise how innocent friendship can be. We may meet up once a year,but the feeling between us is so amazing.It feels so real,just like the old times. All of us were sitting around the table,eating,joking and talking about old times,those memories are so intense that all of us remembered those good old times,the silly things we did. I love the few hours we spent together,so real,so relaxing.

Sometimes,happiness is just so simple

I am getting used to it

2007-09-24T01:35:00.000+08:00

I'm starting my internship later. A mixture of excitment, uncertainity, and worry. I really dunno what to expect and if I'm able to handle it. Sometimes, I feel it is just a way to escape,to escape from the reality,to escape from the fact that he occupies bulk of my life. Sometimes maybe staying away for awhile will do me good,will help me to forget the pain,the missing....but maybe,it won;t go away at all.....

Being loved is a Bliss
In love is a joy
but.......
To love is a pain

Chaos

2007-09-15T23:23:00.000+08:00

School had been crazy
Deadlines of my assignements are charging towards me
Emotions outta control
Body's breaking down
What's more can go wrong?

Jealousy,the perfect monster within me

2007-09-15T23:12:00.000+08:00

Stumbled upon the images sent jealousy down my tiny spine
I hated myself for that awful feeling
For I no longer know who am I
I am,for once, no longer holds the key to my emotions
In no control over my tears
Jealousy never exists in my dictionary till now
I never thought I could feel this way
But at that instant......
I know
I have to move on
Up ahead is a long,lonely road
For all I know
But I have to step on that journey
On my own
He is there no more
He have never been mine
And will never be mine
Period

Life is never fair

2007-09-09T01:23:00.000+08:00

I never learnt my lesson, just in hope that things might change for the better one day. But sometimes, no matter how hard I try, certain things are not going to happen, period. I can feel it slipping through the gaps between my fingers. I know things will start to change as we move into a new phase in life, but I was just hoping it might be different. But as much as I try, things will and had start to chanage. We'll never be like before. New poeple will soon come into his life and I'll soon be forgotten, as usual. He will embrance in his new phase when I'm still stuck in my hope. I must learn to move on, learn to lead a life without him, It's hard, It'll hurt but I have to. Oh well, senseless ranting yet again.

Great Time

2007-09-03T00:51:00.000+08:00

All I can say, time is best spent with great people. Had loaded tonnes of calories but who cares when I'm happy?

Was flipping through old stuff that were tugged away into the darkest corner of my room, awaiting to be forgotten. I don;t know why but I bring all back into the light. Weird feelings running through my veins. I began to wonder ; what had I became? Am I who I want to be? I want to love myself more. I have bad days more than good days and I draw happiness from other people. It sounds good but looking by the other side, it means I live my life for others. I want the selfish me back, in hope I feel happier.

I hate you for messing my already-messed-up life. Its not you, It's me.

Happy Birthday To MeEEEeEee

2007-08-29T01:29:00.000+08:00

Halooo QuarterLIFE crisis....Oh yes...its my 25th birthday....and guess what,I had 4 classes today (bodyATTACK,bodyCOMBAT,RPM and bodyPUMP) Yes,crazy...I must admit...But what to do!! Its my job.n

Okok..enough of the boring stuff...I seriously thought I'll spend my birthday in the gym and that's all...but I had a huge surprise ! The gang (Yola,Xavier,Kristin,Rigina,JW,) got me a cake straight after my pump class,partner and Jo came running in..thanks people !! I really caught by surprise...and yes yes yes!! MY VIKING LEGO SET !!OMG...will post pic once I finished. Thanks Edwin,for the super duper cute keychain !! That's soooo cute lor....wah rao,and of cos ur DVD,will keep me awake this fri....ahh bish..... And Edwin and Raymond for your cake....Don;t worry,I'll have worst tracks next week to work off all these eating..LoL..Thanks JW for picking up the cake all the way from MSQ,but it seems you enjoyed the cake more than me wor...just joking....I STILL WANT MY PRESSIE!!
Not forgetting Adeline !! Wah Rao.......Ur Sheep so damn sute...but then, VIBRATING SHEEP?!?!?! *WinkWInk* Jiahao..thanks for your Origin Bath Set...I'll smell so good now !! HEeekeee...

And of cos,smses are also the best;Don (miss ya !) Joreen,Mabel,Joline,Dianne,Minjie and many many more,they means a thousands words to me.

And of cos,My family......

What's my bday wishes? Secret... :)

All I can Say,A good ending to a bad day :)

Happy Birthday Partner !! And say hello to my QuarterLIFE Crisis

2007-08-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to dear Fernie !! 20th birthday this year.Hope you had enjoyed the dinner :) May all your wishes come true and get what you had been working for !!

Its weird to see someone turning 20 and not feeling excited about it. I guess she had been out in the real world for long that age no longer matters. Hope you still retain the tiny bits of child in you. Don't grow up too fast too soon...

3 more days I'll be "celebrating" my quarterlife crisis.....OMG.....in a blink I'm hitting 25.......still aimlessly searching for meaning in life....A little too late but I'm now embarking into a journey in search of my focus....to be frank,I dread this day to come.... Especially when people around you already in their mids of their career or already setting up families, and here I am, blogging.
I'm happy with my life now no doubt,but I wish for more,especially in my career and personal life.I guess it will be soon I guess.

What I will be doing on my birthday? School,BodyATTACK and BodyPUMP,how sad can that be.

What I want for birthday? A simple dinner with that Special Someone.Whatever,,,,dream on I guess (Oh well,I'm still a small girl at heart)

STOP IT !!

2007-08-21T00:49:00.000+08:00

Stop pushing me to the edge. I'm at the tip of the iceberg,on the verge of breakdown. Just tell me what you want and I'll respect it. I hate this feeling now; feeling of uncertainity, feeling of lost, Feeling of outta control. I trust my intuition no more. I hate to guess, I just want the truth. In the state of anger right now. I'm so angry,not with you, but with me,yes myself. So much so that I work myself to death,so as to be able to sleep in peace. Every single moment is a torture,for I'm not sure what is going on. Nevermind,I'm just been random. I'll be fine.....for awhile....and this whole shit will start all over again......whatever..........

p/s : I know and totally understand my blog sounds so negative most of times. You just dunno me.........This is me,the real Eveee..Welcome to my world.......

881

2007-08-13T01:23:00.000+08:00

Well done ! Royston Tan had again produced a masterpiece.The visual may not be as outstandng as his previous work (Oh yes, 15 is still my favourite,simply because the whole movie was being cross-processed ! Love the colors!! ) but in terms of the local favour, thumbs up!! It had actually strike a chord in me. To be frank,I was that close to crying. Its not just te plot,but the awasome performance by Yeo Yann Yann and Mindee Ong. I sincerely hope that more of such works are being produced by local directors rather than just produced movies that sell. Arts are never be able to measured by profite. Oh well.... I hope I have a chance !!! +Dreaming +

Things I Missed

2007-07-28T02:45:00.000+08:00

o I miss how to smile / laugh
o I miss being about to throw tantrum and getting away with it
o I miss being a small little girl
o I miss being able to sleep in late
o I miss listening to weird noise from Bjork, Lamb, Madalay
o I miss being negative
o I miss crying and sobbing and whinning about everything in life
o I miss talking about things other than gym
o I miss watching Tv
o I miss watching sunrise / sunset
o I miss talking on phone
o I miss shopping for clothes other than Nike Nike and more Nike
o I miss wearing make-up, being pretty
o I miss holding hands
o I miss plays, films and photos
o I miss my life
o Most importantly, I miss you

Its weird that I’m missing someone so much that it hurts

=Random Ranting=

WEIRD DREAMS

2007-07-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

Don,

I met you on the road. I called for you and our eyes met. I knew its you. We started talking and I remembered telling you “You lost weight,don’t you” Your reply is simply “Of course,I’m serving national service” I cannot remember the rest of the conversation,all I know is that your voice,your presence felt so familiar,just like the good old days.The feeling of you being by my side is so real. Tears begin to flow. You simply wiped my tears away. Your touch felt so real,so familiar.

I woke up in tears.but I was alone. You wasn’t there to wipe them away. Dear friend,that’s how much I miss you.

I been dreaming of you I wonder why.It is so weird. Everytime it leaves me in tears and I realised I missed you so much.I've been denying that but I do,so much so that it freaks me. Hope you are fine over there because I haven heard from you for the longest time.I'm worried,Get back to me ok.

A Brand New Beginning ?

2007-07-10T01:21:00.000+08:00

One week into my jobless life, things had been going on a fast pace. No off day. Having classes every single day. Oh Yes, I clocked 18 classes last week. OMG, I can feel every single strand of my muscle fiber screaming for help. Whatever, gonna hammer till I drop dead I hope. Work keeps my mind off wondering thoughts. Don’t ask me why and what. I have the tendency to let my thoughts take control of my miserable life. Things had starting to look brighter. At least I'm outta there. Maybe outta sight outta mind? I hope so. When you thought it’s all over, its not. Its just been forcefully forgotten, Oh well, its just so me, letting nonsensical thoughts rule my mind.

If only life is as simple and pure as the spaces between the lines of a biography. I may be happier well, its just another round of senseless ranting.

Anyway, Thanks pals for the BBQ for Eddy’s birthday. Yes yes yes Eddy, you gonna be pa pa already. We all will promise no more, NO MORE, birthday parties next year. Oh well, it was such a great night, just hanging out, eating and just be yourself. I’m tired of wearing of that mask on my face. When can I take off that mask?

O.U.C.H

2007-07-05T00:30:00.000+08:00

Oh yes.....1st session of my tattoo...2 more to go.......Woooohooooo

A beautiful evolution from a caterpillar to a butterfly, finally it had fulfill that tiny desire to be a fairy, but a fairy with broken wings, alone on a swing....Achieving something beautiful mean loss of something precious.....Welcome to my life

Life is...

2007-06-29T00:54:00.000+08:00

Life is like a sun rise,where everything is a new beginning
Life is like the sea,one min is calm,the other min get choppy ; with no warning
Life is about changes ; where nothing can be taken for granted
Anything and everything can slip through your fingers;be it happiness or sadness
Life is like a drama ; for every min of it ,there's a story to tell
Life is like a jigsaw pazzle,for you will never know what it is till you place that very last piece
But for me,Life is like the darkest night
For the sun will rise again
Again,a new begining,a new chapter
So will you be in my new chapter?

Lesbo running wild

2007-06-26T00:18:00.000+08:00

Alright,I seriously don't understand why.But this is freaking me out.I had just received the 6th wedding invitation for this year and all these 6 weddings are in either Sept or Oct 2007.I'm of course very happy for my close buds that they are embarking into a brand new life.But for once in the past months,I start to review about my life.Oh yes,I'm very contented with what I'm heading because I know I can pursue whatever I want without any worries.My parents are very supportive about my plans for at least the next 5 years.But with the wedding invitations pouring in,I start to wonder,am I going to spend my next 50 years alone?OMG. I'm someone who is not keen for what I called marriage as I sincerely believed that its just a obligation by law. However,with the hectic lifestyle like mine now,to find someone who is willing to accept the way I lived now is almost impossible.It weird especially when people look at me when I said "Oh yes,I'm still single" Hey people,what's wrong? Although I'm single,but I'm not lesbo!So for once stop approaching me and ask if I'm into girls.No No No.I'm perfectly straight,I'm into guys (not butches :P )
Oh yes,I have the reputation of attracting girls,and I mean real girls...arghh....
I enjoyed my single hood for the past 2 years coming 3 ,yet at times I yearn for that someone who is able to listening to my ranting,sharing my life and moving towards the future.But I guess I have to leave it all to fate.Oh well,I juest it's just another senselessly ranting.

Anyway,I had proposed to my "partner" about posing for my Identity Project (oh yes,she's one of what we call the SHITTY gang..wahahah..Private joke) For now,I just need a male model and a rental darkroom....so *hint hint* any offers?

Alright...gonna need a diving break..I want to dive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 More Days To F.R.E.E.D.O.M

2007-06-24T17:45:00.000+08:00

Oh yes..5 more days to the end of my 3 years of suffering in a miserable place.Juts let me clarify myself.I love my work to bits,for once I know I'm helping my patients or at least I know I had made their day.However,my management just makes my whole job sucks.Whatever it is,enough of this.It's time to pursue what I had been dreaming and wanting to do.For now,I know my life will be sweet with my studies and my fitness freelance job.

Haaa...guess what.Turning into full time student is just so sweet.For once I know I have all the time I have to go back to what I had missed doing.Just that day when I'm trying to pack my room (See the word "TRYING" -_-" )I dig out all my cameras...Grr...I missed Lomo-ing.Haven been talking to all the other lomo mates...Ok,by end of this year,I'll do up my "Identity" photography project.It is actually an idea that I had been harping on for so long.But I just cannot find the rite model to do it.grrrr...

And I missed my toys!!Haven been ebaying as well.Just the other day,I saw this ToFu O.D.M watch on a toy mag!! OMG,the next thing I knew is that i went online to do a search.T my dismay,I can't find on ebay and its sold out on its official website.I don't care..I gonna lay my hands on the watch.Maybe a little bout me,I'm a die-hard devilrobots fan......so much so that I went iDN 2005 just to see their works..wahahahahanvm..call me a freak.

But whatever it is..i know I'll be a happy girl from July onwards....cool...can't wait....

LOVE

2007-06-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

Never in my life,I had felt this way
For so long I never feel the need so badly
Till I met you
Till I hold you in my arms
Embracing you with all my love
All I can say is Thank you
For being there for my 24/7
Answering to all my needs
Nevermind the time,the place,the need
You are there
All I think,wish and long for
Is to spend every single seconds of my day with you
I promise to love you
Till death do us part

I Love You

-Specially Delicated to my new Love,My MacBook-

p/s : LoL

Sometimes you just wonder about LIFE

2007-05-29T23:25:00.000+08:00

Sometimes things in life moved so fast that one hardly the time to catch a breath.Things had been going super fast that I'm losing hold of what is happening around me.In 4 weeks time,I'll be outta job and moving to pursue my studies of my dream - Creative Advertising. I'm not sure if I'm going to do well in my degree but for sure,I know I really love to have a career outta it.
Moving Graphics never fails to amuse me........whatever it is,I know I'll never regrat this move.Its time for me to do what I always wanted to do and not do what others wants me to do.
Health hasn't been at its best.Think I'm abusing my body.....I badly need a break but I had passes the last exit on the highway and there's no time for stopping....
Dreams had been weird..I wonder why...

alrite...just random ranting..as usual...wat's new for me rite..

Back From Paradise,Back To Reality

2007-03-08T12:42:00.000+08:00

The past 5 days was an experience of my life.I had entered the paradise ; Sipadan. In any case you randomly rumbled onto this blog,just a little about me,I'm a born diving freak. Anyway, yes,Sipadan is rated as the top diving paradise in the WORLD ! After my trip over there,i can surely say,it lives up to its name. Never in my life I had seen so many different species of underwater animals living in such a tiny space. The school of Jets is one of the most amazing thing I ever saw in my life ! Thousands and thousands of jets swimming in swirls and there I'm,in the middle of the swirl with them circling around me. Soon I'll upload the photos and I'm sure you will totally agree with me. The moment I left the island,I know I'm going back to the real world;the world I dread to be back,for so many problems are waiting for me.If only I can just stay in the paradise forever. (Oh yes,they had a job opening offered toe !! A Dive master over there...hmm..for now it is outta my reach..maybe in July I shall give them a call....for now,preparation for my August Bali trip...)

My mind had made up,I'm tired,so tired.Letting go is harder than I thought,for the pain is unbearable...maybe letting go is a painful sacrifice but I know it'll do both of us good....No point holding on to a hope that will never ever come true...

..:: Reborn ::..

2007-02-28T23:46:00.000+08:00

Saturday had been great.Finally sat down with one of the most wonderful person I ever knew to have a great dinner (ok,it lasted for almost 3 hours mind you) Its definitely one of the best thing that had happened for the past few months...Endless ranting from me is usual.Just wanna thank her for the constant support and lending me a ear to tolerate my nonsense.Jie,just remember,no matter what happen,you're always the best in my eyes....never ever doubt yourself,I don't allow that..just remember,we may not hang around that often anymore due to our own schedule,just remember my love for you never ever changes.Never hesitate to give me a shout when you need so.Love you lots.

Finally I had made up my mind.Gonna set my mind to give it up totally. She's right,no point holding on to something that will never be mine.I don't deserve that.Life after my trip will be good.I'll be so busy and no chance of bumping into him.Gonna grab hold of myself.It's gonna be tough,but I just have to do it.It had drag on way too long......Wish me luck people...

..:: 2.0.0.7 ::..

2007-02-24T00:26:00.000+08:00

2 months into the new year and in just a few days I'm marching into March 2007. After years of lessons,no more goal setting for this year,for I never even close to it. All I wish is people around me to be happy.
The past year had been with ups and downs.Still nursing the old wound for it will never go away. I had proved my theory of friends is inversely proportional to my age. As I mature into the years,people who I can genuinely connect to become lesser.For the problem lies in me as well,I had learnt to wear a mask,to protect myself. For I can take it no more.
I'm going for another holiday soon,for I hope it will do me good.I had long forgotton how to breath. Yes,I'm denying,denying to every single person out there,even to my deepest soul that I no longer feel for him.Every single day comes as a struggle,a struggle within myself to make myself believe that it is true.Maybe one day,I'll start to believe it is true.
I remembered a scene from the movie Constantine. For Angela Dodson make herself believed that the demons she and her twin sister saw were just imginary...as time goes by,she believed in it and she no longer sees them...maybe by trying hard enough,the feelings may just fade....

Nietsche's Beyond Good and Evil, Part VII: "Blessed are the forgetful: for they shall have done with their stupidities too."

Taste Of Life

2006-12-23T08:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,you may think that some friendship last forever.Friends who had walk the toughest road with you are those whom you thought they'll be the most trust-worthy ones.But,to my dismay,they may not be.There is one friend whom I thought who will stand by me simply because he had been there since the very day I started tp persue my passion,he's the one that had been giving me advice,encouragment,support.We started off being just a normal hi-bye instructor-mentor relationship,which slowly and steadly moved on to a friendship which I thought I can count on.No matter as a mentor,friend or instructor,he is someone whom I look upon.Maybe in his eyes,I'm just someone whom he described as.I always thought he'll the one who knows and understand the hardwork and stuff I had been through all these months.I always said without people like him ard me,I can never made it.I always thought he'll be proud of me for who I'm now with the hardwork I had put in.He is one of the last person whom I thought would says such things about me. Never in my wildest dream I forsee this happening.I really start to doubt people around me.Maybe he's very right about something : There's no friendship that last forever.

To him : I do not know why do you sees me as whom you said so.But I guess it is a personal view.Although I feel unjustified and disappointed,of course angry, that you actually sees me that way,I can do nothing about it.Maybe I just pin too high hopes,too much trust in the friendship we shared.No matter what happen,I just wanna thank you for all the advice,help extended to me all these while.....hope I can change that opinion of yours one of the days....

Missing

2006-11-27T22:28:00.000+08:00

Missing myself is the most horrible feeling I ever had.I had slowly forgot who am I,what I loved to do,my hobbies,conversations,shopping (apart from nike).I missed my Hogla,LCA,which I used to go around snapping like crazy during weekends.I missed watching movies,I missed Lamb,Massive Attacks,Bjork,FBS,The Prodigy.I missed HMV,That CD Shop. I missed Miss Sixty,Forever 21,Topshop.I missed Project Runway,The next Top Models,C.S.I,Numbers,MTV. I missed crying,or rather,I had forgotten how to cry.I missed Vernon,Angeline,Yun,Ling,Don. I missed my family,dinners we used to have,playing with my cat.I missed my nemo,barracuda,corals,sharks,BCD, regulator. I missed blading,cycling,swimming and tanning.

Basically,I missed the old Me.

This is the way I choosen to live it.Its only me who can make a difference.oh well,I'm just senselessly ranting..Just ignore me....

Somebody - Depeche Mode

2006-11-12T21:25:00.000+08:00

-My Most Inner Thoughts..Maybe...-

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detestI will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sickIn a case like thisI'll get away with it

-Experiences had leave me scared..maybe for life.Who knows..I so afraid to go through all over again.For it might just pierce through like a dagger....The most difficult part of life is relationship.Cos it yearns no return.I wish I can just give it all up just like that.But in reality,I need time..............I'm just not as strong as I thought so.........-

O.V.E.R.C.O.N.F.I.D.E.N.T drives me nuts

2006-11-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

*My Favouite Amine.I'll kill to get the whole series..trust me..I'm hooked,I'm addicted...*

Yes,maybe I'm just overconfident.Maybe I'm not up to it.Its just an illusion that I'm improving and doing well in what I'm doing.My passion drives me nuts and perfectionism drives me up the wall.That's it.No more.I had enough...No matter how hard I work,its never as good...whatever.I just wanna watch my cartoon,eat my ice cream and get waste away.Stop telling me I;m good.I'm not....period.

If only life is simplier

2006-10-29T00:42:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,I wished I had remain what I used to be,not having what I have now,maybe I'll have been a happier girl.The past months had been a rollercoaster ride of my life.The interest in some stuff I did had actually become a possible career of mine.Its something that I only used to dream of.I'm a very very lucky girl who ahd met people who had been a great help to achieve what I have now.I enjoy and loved what I'm doing now.I may be whinning of the hard work at times,but at the end of each class,I'm filled with happy hormones.

But at times,I had wished I had not taken the first step.I'll then still remains what I sued to be,enjoying company of the people I used to hang around with,do not have to bother about how people sees me,do not have to put on a smile when I fucking tired,not worrying about neglating my friends.

The only regrat about doing what I'm doing now is that I lost a few close friends of mine and on the verge of losing another important person of my life.Its sometimes just so hard to please everyone.Sometimes as much as I'm trying to make people around me feel important and ensure that they are happy,I failed. In the end,I screwed up and piss off one or another.I'm caught in the middle;my responsibility and my friends.

My saturdays are pretty much taken up by one commitment or another that I won't have time left to spend with her.I do treasure each and every min I can be with her but at times,things crop up and I have to attend to it that I accidently one way or another neglated her.I'm really really sorry if you do feel neglated.I shd have handle it another way.

All I want is to do what I love doing and having a good time with people I love.As simple as that.....Am I asking too much???

I'm just weak,I simply cannot handle emtions.I'm totally screwed up now.Yes,do call me a weakling.But I'm one who takes a long time to overcome the emotions within me.I'm not as strong as you tot so.Maybe everyone should just leave me alone in the corner.Slowly forget about me and just leave me to waste away.Maybe then,everyone will be happy.Or maybe I mean nothing at all,should one day I disappear,no one will even notice..........Whatever..............

As much as I'm trying to get out of the screwed up life I'm living now,I end up fucking it up even more.If only life can be like "Stop,Rewind,Play" Can anyone just understand the struggle,agony and stress I'm going through right now?There's so much things going on that I just cannot let it out and its just snowball that I can no longer breath anymore.....

Old Ties

2006-10-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

Seeing her in my class on Saturday was a bonus.When Jie told me they are here,I was very surprised.I tried to act cool about it but I have butterflies in my stomach.I don't know how to react when I sees them.I'm scared that tears may flow,I'm afraid that I don't do well,I'm afraid that they may find my class boring.I'm just so afraid.Hearing her voice in the class just brought sweet memories back.I can still remember when we first met,when we started hanging out,our KL trip,Bangkok trip,gatherings,lunches,dinners and deserts.They are so near yet so far.I thought they are no longer important,I thought I no longer need them,I thought I'll just get over.But I'm much weaker than I thought so.So much weaker.They are still as important to me,even after these while.Especially seeing them in my class,I'm just so afraid that I underperforming.

Seeing her again in my class tonight just makes my feeling stronger.I brace my courage and talk to her.It feels so much like old times,and it makes me yearn for more,yearn for the old times we shared,the old ties we had.

Jie,I love you more than whatever I have now.You should know you all are important to me.Nothing in this world can replace the bond we shared.I still remember the conversation we had,you saying that no matter what happened,you all will be there for me.I still hold on to that,that's what keeps me going till now........

Its so one sided that its feels like a burden at times. Sometimes I wish I can just let it go and get over it...But its just beyond me.....Responsibility keeps me busy in the day,loneliness embrace me dark in the night....

Driven Crazy

2006-10-12T23:35:00.000+08:00

This week is crazy! Especially when someone comes back from leave.Oh well,its just another senior of mine.I simply cannot get over that she just refused to take responsibility and push every single decision to me,someone who has absolutely no say in any thing in my office.Whatever,it just reassure me that., YES!! I'm leaving this bloody hell next June! Any additional min there will drive me nuts! enuff said.period

Been really sore all over the week.Headaches are back,real bad.Running out of medicine but I just refused to go for my review.Same stuff is gonna been discussed over and over again.Decision had been made long ago and yes,no change to that.I'm stick with it.

Bloody mood swings,and certain things just make it worst.To let go is difficult,when its already way too deep.Friends that I talk to should know what happened.Thanks for listening to my endless ranting.I feel disgusted by myself as well.Its time to let go,its tough I know,but I have to.There's no choice,only a path to follow.May I get over it soon.

Passion in my GX thingy is growing day by day.I realized its not my class number that make me feel good,rather its the feedbacks and comments that made me feel real good and anchored the reason when I chose to be a instructor in the very first place. To see the members who attended my class improving week after week,to see them enjoying the 1 hour workout (oh yes,especially my Sunday MW class,the girls are crazy lor.but thanks girls.Love ya ! ) and for them to come up and simply tells me "Great work" is good enough to keep me going despite what happened in my life.It simply relights the passion in me over and over again,week after week.

Investment in feelings may not guarantee return,yet I still invest heavily in it.I'm just digging my own grave ...

The Past * The Present* The Future

2006-10-01T22:49:00.000+08:00

I always believe things happen for a reason,and we always learn something from it. Paths cross because of fate and I always believe that a miracle can blossom from the seed of fate. But something, things fall apart and guns start to point at each other. Whatever that has happened during the past few weeks is one of the most heart-wreaking episodes in my 24 years of existence. I had learn from the lesson in the past, that's why I treasure my friends so much to a point that sometimes I'm so afraid that I'll fall apart if anything is to happen to it. I'm scared of loneliness,I'm not afraid to say. I had lost some THE most important people in my life that I cannot stay alive for a min with friends and family. They are on equal status and nothing,absolutely nothing can be above of them. I once told a friend: If I were to give up being an instructor just to save that friendship,I will,without a second thought. Because I know,if without them,I'll never be able to take the 1st step to take up the course. Months down the road,times had been hard,but that very same friend is the one to forsaken me. Nothing can describe how heart broken I had been. If friendship really that fragile?I asked myself.

But it is through this episodes that I found my true friends,people who loved me for who I were,who I am and who I will be. Nothing had changed but in fact it had grown so strong that I know they are the shelter of my life.

I had just read the blog of my sista,the memories of the happy days we spent are still so rooted in my mind. That feeling of belonging is still so strong. But deep down I know,nothing can be saved.It will never be the same again. I asked for nothing,but just that support you people used to offer me. It so near,yet so far....

Feelings never go away,it just grows with time.It is just like red wine.The longer is the time,the more it age,the stronger it gets...

Where Have My Abs Gone To??

2006-09-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

Ever since last saturday,I been eating non stop,Its the stress that is driving me crazy! (ok,its a very convinent excuse) and its worst these few days! Argh,but whatever,I'm happy. Not just the food that makes me a Happy Eve,but the people whom I spent my time with.Maaler,Faaler,Ah Di,Jie,chocolate buffet next ok..love ya people...so taaa-daaaaa,here come the pics!

Yes,they are not worth my tears

2006-09-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

These few days had one of the worst period.sistashood breaking up,work's piling up,school work in a mess and of course,my pump,sucked.
EVeryone is telling me to get over it.Yes,as much as I want to,I need time.I only give a damn to people I care,to people who matters.Jie and Ah Ma are right.Don't give a damn,they are not worth my tears.But come to think about it,I truly knows who will stand by me no matter what happens. Jie,Maaler,Faaler ,minjie and ah di.I really dunno how to pull through if you people wasn't around..............thanks for listening to my whinning,esp jie and maaler.....for the patience,for the hugs....love you pple lots.s......

Maybe It Is Just Life

2006-09-19T01:07:00.000+08:00

Several months ago,before I started my mini career as a GXI (Group Exercise Instructor),I remember having a conversation with my mentor-cum-personal friend. I still remember it is at the cycling studio with me trying to sort what how the hell to read the cheory notes. After that it leads to a more personal talk about the whole instructor course thing.He just said to me that when I decided to start this path,be prepared to alot of changes,especially within the group of gym "sistas" .Things will never be the same.At that very instant,I told him that I'm very confident it will never ever happen in my case,because I believed that our friendship is much stronger than that.

After these months,I know I'm damn wrong.Friendship is nothing but just words....But is also through what happened makes me realised who are those really care for me.I lost some friends,but I had made some friends who I know will stick by me through the toughest period.

Thanks people,esp jie......if not for you all,I won't be still standing...*hugs*

I really care,because you all meant something to me.If I were to choose between being an instructor and you all,you should know my choice.But I was been given up.It hurts,no doubt. But I just hope that I'm just reading too much into things,for I still have that tiny hope.Love ya,sistas.....

Sistahood in crisis

2006-09-17T00:20:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life,people come and go.At some point of time,you may be so close to some people whom you thought will stick through thick and thin with you.But face it,this is life.That only happens in movies.Under certain circumstances,due to differences,they will leave you eventually.Maybe sistahood is only words,nothing more that just verbal meaning.But maybe I'm luckier than most people,I still have a sista who stands close by my side and I know,no matter what happen,she will be there for me.And without a doubt,she meant the world to me.No matter who I become,what happen in my life,I'll always be there for her,whenever she needs someone.If not,I'll be standing in some corner on earth,praying the best for her.

Wu Jie,thanks for being such a sista to me.I'm so glad that these few months,when times is really tough,you are always there listening to my whining.I'm so glad that our friendship remains strong,if not,even stronger after all these changes in my life.I may not be able to do classes with you like what we used to,but you know that I'll if I could.Deep down my heart I know that the bond we share is beyond seeing each other in clubs,attending classes,its simply mutual and genuine.Love ya dianne.and I'm so thankful to know ya :)

Something I learn about myself Interesting !

2006-09-16T00:50:00.000+08:00

Today,one of my friend was analyzing me using my handwriting. Conclusion : I'm as stubborn as a cow,optimistic and totally hang onto someone I loved. Yes,I'm dead stubborn,once I believe in something,I'll hang on to it..it applies to the things I do as well,once I start and want to do something,nothing less than perfect,no matter how much effort,how much time I devote,I'll get there,as a winner.I may just be the most stubborn girl anyone ever seen!! *Hmm..maybe that's why I used to be so stressed up by my instructor thingy,simply because I enjoy and wanna be a good one so badly ! bleah* anyway,optimistic? I dun agree.As a matter of fact,I sometimes feel that I'm so pessimistic.I'll always think the worst of a situation. To me,the less hope you have,the less disappointment I'll get *Hmm..Somehow it contradicts with what I had just wrote earlier ! * As for the love part,I totally agree,once I fall in love with someone,I'm hopeless,totally devoted. No matter my love is being reciprocated or not,I'll still continue to love him and even if I can't have him,I'll stay at the darkest corner,helping him and praying the best for him. SX : Next time must give you more handwriting to analyze wor,esp my future partner..wahahaha

Silence

2006-09-10T19:44:00.000+08:00

I didn't sleep a wink last night.My eyes were wide open till dawn.Ipod was on with a chinese song from a chinese movie which I absolutely loved,Turn right,turn left. After 2 hours of turning and tossing in bed,I decided to on my dvd player and watch the movie again.
Yes,is true.Sometimes the more you wanna meet that someone,the more impossible it gets.you may just be seperated by that thin wall,yet.........and there's any hidden truth in the movie;you can't force love on someone.If he doesn't like you,he will never.No matter how long you hang on. Love isn't like this. Just let go and just wish him the best.Things might be better.*yes,easier said than done,trust me*
I'm in my super quiet mood again.It had been a long long while since I encountered this mood swing. As mush as I want to get out of it,I can't.I just shut every single one outta my world. For the time being,I just want to be alone.When I'm ready, I'll open my mouth.
I don't know what is wrong.But I know its not about me seeing her.But something deep down just triggers that unsettleness with me.I feel irritated,I feel angry.I don't know why........Most importantly,I feel sad...And I don't know why.......
This is so not me...I hate myself when 'm quiet......I know I just piss every single one off...........

A mistake that cannot be undone

2006-09-09T23:01:00.000+08:00

When you thought its love,
its not.
Things is not the way it appear.
No matter how much you gave up,
Love is always unfair.
I ask for no return,
But I ask for no sadness as well.
It had once pierce through me like a razor,
Shredded me into pieces.
I realized it and pick myself up again.
People may says its always a moment of folly.
But I can tell you no,it is not.
The things I gave up,The things I had done,The shame I had to bear,The guilt that I had to feel,
The tears I shed and the sleepless nights I had
For someone who gave me nothing but empty promises.
I'm stupid,I'm ignorant,I agree.
I pull myself out of the shitpit.
For now I trust no one but myself.
I trust no love,
For I'm always at the losing end.
I'm just a simple girl,so please hurt me no more.
I'm not as tough as I look,
For its just a shell I hide in,
Praying that it will shelters me.
For now,I'm just an empty soul.....
Awaiting for someone to take my pain away,
and make me believe in the thing that I used to believe in.
Love
For now,just leave me alone......

I'm sorry,I meant no harm.I knew its a mistake that cannot be undone.Retribution will knock on my door one day. For I deserve no one.I'm not asking for forgiveness,for I know I'll be asking for the sky.Curse me if you want,for I know I'm the stupid one.

Loving someone has no reason,if you can think of a reason,you love the reason more than you love the person. Loving someone is to accept every single about him,and not trying to change him.If one day,the thought of changing him comes knocking at your door,I think its time to review the love for him...........

A few more hours

2006-08-27T20:10:00.000+08:00

Just a few more hours,I'll say bye bye to 23 and welcome 24..Oh yes..its my age my darlings..
For the past year,a lot of things happened in my life ; A badly turned out relationship (ok..its not even a RELATIONSHIP to start with and it screwed the friendship big time,oh well...at least I know the friendship is nothing to him..whatever..), took up bodycombat and bodypump instructor course,got my 1st class in bodycombat,lost a few friends,yet gained a bunch of good friends,gained a stronger friendship,like someone and now sees him as a close buddy instead,started my degree,health took a worst turn;scans and more scans,lost most of my life because of my commitments and made me a stronger person.

To me,life is unpredictable...so much so that I treasure every single sec of my life.Learn to take things as it is and stop putting unnecessary pressure on myself.Learn to live it slow and enjoy every moment.

To people who had appeared in my life...thanks for the wonderful time spent with me and leave those memorable footprints in my life. You guys had made a great chapter in my book and more memorable times to come!

Cheers to 24!

Sometimes I Just Wonder

2006-08-16T23:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I just start to wonder if I'm really up to it.When someone comes out to say "NOt bad what", I'll wonder if they are just saying the seck of saying because they know me? I know I din do very well, or at least not what I feel I can do.Maybe someone just need to tell me the truth? Truth hurts but at least I won't be living in my won world thinking I can do it..but whatever it is, I'm already here,there's no turning back,I will just continue to put in whatever I have and hope it works out one day....

Mabey I'm not as ready as what everyone's think..But I hope I'm just thinking too much and putting unnecessary stress

Emptiness

2006-08-13T22:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,you just wonder if you're still alive.Mind,soul and body no longer fused with each other.Its empty,so empty that at times,you wonder if anyone around you still knows that you're still around,in the darkest corner.....

Maybe its just one of the times I feel that I'm out of place,to the extent that I starts to wonder if I'm still breathing.Each breath seems to take up so much of me.It had became mechanical.

The hatic lifestyle of mine had sucked my life away,bit by bit......I miss them,I miss having dinner with them,I missed the late nights we spent making silly jokes.I miss Yun and Ling.I wonder how are they doing.....I missed ah qin,wonder if she still remembers me.I miss angel,I miss the silence between us;its comforting.....Think I'm just missing myself........Or maybe I'm slowly been forgotten....maybe I'm not important in the very first place..I'm just dispensible....

I'm dried up......I'm just a body,with mind and soul.....I feel lonely in the darkest corner of my little room....It hurts so much that my heart goes numb...I can't feel anything now...I hate the light,for I can see me,myself..I hate it........

I'm so afriad to walk back to that room,for I know its that big scanner waiting for me....the sound,the uncertainity sent a chili down my spine.....what if the worst happen? When will be my last sunrise? Ignorance is a bliss..................maybe I shouldn't plan too far ahead,for it may never come...Oh well,that damn fucking headache is back.....

Beautiful Sunday ... Oh well..Maybe not so...

2006-08-06T22:01:00.000+08:00

Today something happened that makes my day,really.A friend whom I thought I had lost him passed me 2 voodoo dolls for my health and studies!!*pls take a look at the left* and of cos he wrote me something that makes me feel good about our friendship.What he wrote is something that I had already acknowledged but maybe because he had directly confirmed with me about it makes me feel so much better....and I'm happy that our friendship is as strong as I thought so...just so glad that things turn out this way....really..and thanks for rushing down buddy....esp after your own class..its so obvious you're tired yet you still made the effort to turn out for my class *oh yes,and you called for a cab!!!!!!!!wah liewwwww* Banana Soya Milk Shake for ya the next time ok!!And do take care especially after telling me how ya feeling recently esp your back!! Dun bi jia it ok!!! I need you to help me diao that irritating club manager and of cos that arrogant yoga auntie!! hahah...Cheers to our friendship!! *with banana Soya milk shake of course*

I don't deny I feel disappointed....not with the one that already tells me so.....I understand that...but the others.............its not compulsory....but maybe no promise is better that no fulfilling it...and sadly to say...no news from them..maybe they had forgotten all about it....oh well...maybe I'm just acting like a kid....

To my dearest angel : Darling,you are so right about the email you sent me...I'm just so tired....I think I had lost myself..I'm just so afraid to pause, and be upset, whine and feel tired...I feel I cannot afford to do so..esp now....I missed my old me at times...I'm sorry,for the feelings I gave you.......I'm in search of myself for so many things had happened recently...I tresure you..so much that I can't tell you in words...I guess I just need some time to settle my current problems before sitting down with you,mind and soul, and enjoy your company....miss you dear..so much...

Deja Vu

2006-08-05T22:49:00.000+08:00

Yesterday when I'm walking down from Yishun Safra from my combat class,the path seems to be like deja vu.I had walked here in this condition before...I thought to myself.But that was definately the first time that I'm there...whatever,either my memory is failing me or its just another deja vu of mine.....

Sometimes it happened so frequently that I start to wonder if I'm real or just all in the mind.I'm having that same nightmare again recently..its sometimes so real that I woke up in cold sweat..I'm just so afraid to sleep now......Whenever I try to go back to sleep,the fear of my dream coming true just freaks me out....

I'm alone in this dark corridor...as I walked down the lonely,cold corridor,I heard my mum;she's sobbing..so loudly...my heart just twitched.I followed the sound and that leads me to a cold room.It's so cold that I can feel the chil' runs down my spine...I saw my mum,my dad and my brother...they are kneeling down beside a bed.Where am I?I tried to shout to them but nothing came out of my mouth....I walked to them and tried to hug my mum..but I just can't seems to reach her..but I saw what's on the bed.I saw myself......cold and pale on the bed...My mum's sobbing got louder.......the next thing I saw is my own funeral........I saw my grandma.....sitting at the front row,she turned and she smiled at me..is she here to take me away???

I missed her..so much that it hurts...........I'll do anything just to see her one more time,just 1 more time.My last memory of her is she lying cold on her bed.........the greatest regrat of my entire life is I din get to see her the very last time...she's just gone without warning,without me telling her how much I love her...

To a friend of mine who had been around me during my tough times: I miss the time we spent together,sitting there doing nonsensical things....I missed doing classes with you..somehow I feel things are no longer the same and I wonder why....But if its not going to happen again,I guess there's a reason...no matter what,all I wanna tell you is that I wished all the best for you and you can never imagine how depressing it is to know that things are no longer the same.....just hope you are happy in whatever you do and some days down the road,I still hope and wish you remember you used to have a friend,me....smiles always

P.R.I.V.A.T.E T.H.O.U.G.H.T.S

2006-08-01T13:28:00.000+08:00

I don't know why,but I had been doing a lot of personal thinking recently.Maybe its just those periods where one starts to have flashbacks of their past and suddenly remember things that one had tried very hard to put in the darkest corner of their memory bank.

Interpersonal relationships and bonds ahead always been something very personal and private to me.As far as I may seem very cheerful and outgoing,people who really really knows me knew that I'm actually very introverted can be very open to certain issues,but my darkest secrets,my darkest fear will never be shared with anyone that I cannot connect with.Since young,I had to be very indepandent.I always feels that no one is indespensible.No one I cannot live without.Relationships is just illusion;its never real.Deep down inside I'm so lonely.Parents had gave me lots of freedom,but at times,I just feel that I need them to notice my pressence.That's why,I always been actively involved in major activities to get noticed,to let people know my pressence.I always take interpersonal relationship as a pinch of salt;never to take them serious for they are just an illusion.

Till the day my grandma passed away,my whole world collapsed.For she is always the one that had been by my side since my earliest memory,my world revolves around her.And she's gone just like that,with no warning,without me by my side.If anyone were to ask me what is my biggest regret in my entire life,its the moment that I knew she's gone and I'm not around.

It is that which make my relationship with my parents more genuine,I stopped being the perfect daughter,I started making an effort to make genuine conversation with them,I make an effort to let them know that I'm not happy.For once I felt my presence.

Friends became important to me,interpersonal connection becomes a big part of my life.Betrayal had killed me again and again,but I held on for I believe that real bond is much stronger than that....

I'm a happy girl now for I had people who genuinely love me for who I am.I may seems aloof at times,I may seems zone out at times,I may seems that I'm not listening,but trust me when I say :"you meant something to me" When I get emotional in front of you,its just my way of telling you, " I trust you" When I start to drift away , it doesn't mean you're important no more,its just my way of telling you "I need to refocus,but you are still important"

For the past year,alot of things had happened,I stand up again from a emotional rollercoaster.Friendships had been put to test and nothing can explain my happiness when I realized that my friends loved me forever.I met the nicest people on earth that I knew they will stand by me no matter what happened.

Some people may know how I feel now,for I feel disturbed.I hope its just a pasting phase and things will be back to normal.That bond really meant something to me and I hope its as strong as what I believed.

Photomanic @ New York New York + Nonsensical Actions

2006-07-31T00:58:00.000+08:00

Photomanic During Dinner @ HongKong Cafe

2006-07-30T23:52:00.000+08:00

*It had been a great night*

Ok...am I dreaming or this is for real??

2006-07-30T23:38:00.000+08:00

Today is one of the happiest day! My hardwork is paid off...I'm cleared to cover for my Bodycombat course!!To tell you the truth,I still cannot believe it!Is this for real? I asked my trainer TWICE!
1st Time
Me : "Err...Ben ar,you said accessment,to clear me is it?"
Ben : "You already cleared what,the teamteaching is for followup!"
Me : -Speachless-
After a min...
Me : -Speachless-
After another 30 sec...
Me : "Err....so I cleared to cover ar?"
Ben : "Arboden,you already got a class...of course lah!"
Me : "Thank you thank you thank you" X 1001
I turned to Faaler...
Me : "Faaler ar..think I'm cleared to cover leh"
Faaler: "You serious???"
Me : "Err.I think so...that's what Ben say when I ask him about the teamteaching accessment thingy"
After Dinner,shopping and finally settled down for Ice-Cream *arrgghhh....damn sinful day!!* @ Gelare
Me:"Ah Ben ar...I ask you something,I'm really been cleared to cover is it?"
****AH BISH****

ok..maybe it'll feel more real tomorrow morning

To Faaler and Maaler : Thanks for the numerous feedback,chances and encouragement for the past 3 months,at points when things get tough,you were there to push me on.Without both of you,I won't be what I'm today.I'll contiune to work hard and I know both of you all will contiune to see me through right...love both of ya loads

To Sistas : Yes!! I did it..I just cannot wait to share my happiness with you all (ok..its still not there yet...delayed reaction) But love all of you all to bits (esp Diane,my dearest wu-jie) for the encouragement and support and of course,understanding.......Just remember you all are still my prized possesions,I'm sorry that I had been busy,but I'll try my best to join you all for workout and of course makan!!!!!! *hugs x 1001*

To Junwei : Hey ah di...thanks so much for the help,encouragement for the past few months,We're not close to start with but you just offer all the help and encouragment I need..and I hope you remembered about the msn conversation we had regarding the fear I had about our friendship after awhile due to conflict of interest...cos I never wanna let it happen..never....I'm glad I had made such a friend like you and hope our friendship will strengthen over time and will not just end here... *hugs*

To Ah Ben A.K.A My trainer : Ah Ben ar...thank so much for the feedback,chances to teamteach with you,encouragements and all the very encouraging stuff over msn...and I'm glad to know you better and eventually a wonderful friendship had blossom,more dinners,ice-cream and people watching and evil comments to come ok..*evil laugh* love ya

Now,I'm not afraid to wake up not remember anything,Sometimes I just hope it happen..

2006-07-30T01:32:00.000+08:00

Now I understand why Clementine wanna totally erase Joe from her memory,its not she hates him,but she just likes him too much that it became painful,perhaps the lack of memories of the happy times they shared may just be the release of her pain (Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind)

So maybe the cruel fact that I may wake up with an empty/partial memory may not be a bad thing after all.....

Audiowave on air : Xin Dong by Lin Xiao Pei (from my favourite movie,Xin Dong)

I Just dun feel good

2006-07-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

The whole week had been lousy,except for the excited part that I have half of a class,nothing is going my way.For the first time in years,I felt so wrong.Whatever happened just dampens my week.At this very moment,I realised and know that it will be time for me to leave every single thing and feeling behind me and move on.Save myself from misery before I sink too deep into the quicksand trap.Maybe after all the wall may be a good thing to protect me from the harsh condition outside my world.Fading away eith time, memories stay.................Its time to pick up my heavy legs and walk down the road with grace.For whatever had happened and dawn onto me,I shall brace myself and stand strong up there to fulfil my dreams.Stage will forever be my best friend.Nothing for me to focus but my dreams and my school.........

Sometimes its the simplest thing or action that enlightens you and wakes you up to come back to the reality.Some dreams are just meant to be just dreams.

I'm So Excited !

2006-07-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

This morning,maaler sms me and tell me that my name is up in the schedule! I'm so excited and I finally saw my name on the poster informing that new combat classes had been added.I finally realised that all the late nights,jitters,cold sweats and endless playing of my Ipod is all so worth it.But will I able to do it is another question.But no matter what I'll try my very best,for I had came so far.Sistas,thanks for the support,love and understanding you had showered me so far (esp Diane).I'll not let you all down and rest assure,nothing will ever affect the bond we share for the friendship is worth more than anything.I may seems to be busy,I may seems to have no time for you all,I may seems to be outta your lives,but you all will always remain an important place in my heart.Love you all lots.

I'm afraid,so afraid of the coming scan.What will it show?Will everything I had worked for burst into bubbles in the split second?

Sometimes I rather things are clearer than to leave me guessing.I just hate the feeling of the unknown,Should I move on or just hold on for the hope of blossom?

My friend's grandfather had just passed away and I know that he's very affected by it.But due to the job,he still have to put up a strong front and carry on teaching.I feel so sad seeing him like this for he's a friend that I care a lot for.At this very moment,I have a minute of silence.You take care,for I'll always be around for you.But he's correct,sometimes,somthings in life you just have to put up a strong front and move on for you have control over your life no more.

p/s : I wanna go diving!!! *nonsensical ranting once again*

2006-07-24T23:31:00.000+08:00

Days that passed like lightning that I can hardly catch my breath.School,work,gym and other personal stuff just pile up like no one on earth cares.Argh....I love stress,but I think its overloaded for now.I need a breather,just get away from everything esp work (oh yeah,it always drives me crazy or rather board me to tears) and dive into the deep blue sea. :(
Sometimes I do wonder if all these worth it...It sometimes just get so hard that it drives me crazy.Been having the bad headaches again.It hurts so much that I woke up in cold sweats in the middle of the night.Cold chills run down my spine for I'm so afraid that its due to the old problem.It had been under control for ages but I just reckon its due to the late nights.On top of it,my school's started and the deadlines for my assignments are crazy.The stress just makes me wonder if all these are worth it......I just hate to give it all up and hates myself for the thoughts that are running through my head for I thought I'm much stronger than that.Relationships around me is fading away,creeping away from me due to my commintments.I'm not happy anymore,other than the adrenline rush on the stage,nothing makes me happy.
Whatever,I'm just ranting nonsensically here.......just f*cked it.

Yes,maybe sometimes some things are better left unsaid.

Reflections

2006-07-15T00:12:00.000+08:00

Sitting alone at my workdesk today triggers a series of emotions and thoughts.Don't ask me why;I'm just someone who is full of nonsensical thoughts.It had been a long time since I last think and review events that had taken place in my life.These are the series of thoughts...(btw,its personal and not for anyone to judge)

I'm very very board with my current job.It has ZERO,absolutely ZERO career advancement.
I had neglated my family since I started my gym courses.I miss having dinenrs with them,conversations with them and the time spent sitting together with them in front of the telly
I had neglated my friends,especially Ling and Yun,killed me pls,I forgot Yun's birthday and ended up wishing her belated birthday.Trust me.I'm depressed
I spent too much time liking someone who doesn't sees me more than a very close friend of his.
I had spent too much time making people happy than to be happy myself
I realised some people around me doesn't like me,yet putting on a false front,trying to be friendly with me.Fuck off...I dun need hypocritics in my life.Get a fucking life
Some people just matters a tonne to me and I'm glad I realised before I lost them
I'm missing a human touch
I'm exercising too much (oh..maybe not,I take back my words)
I'm going to be real sick soon.I can feel it coming and I know this time round its major.but I don't give a fucking damn about it since no one can do anything about it for years.So why do I bother.I may just drop dead the next min so no way I'm going to change my lifestyle.
I feel so alone.
I miss grandma so much that I cry
I had wasted too much time doing things that people wants me to do and end up with zero achivements
I love being on stage
I want to be a full time student all over again
I'm sad,don't ask me why.its the time of the night when I'm alone and I feel so alone and depress.
Sometimes I feel that I sucked at whatever I'm doing.
I miss being loved
My tattoo is too small
Afterall,true love may not exists.So why the hell am I spending time looking for it?!?!?!?Il mera is fiction.It doesn't happen in real life.so just fucking WAKE UP!
I need to come back to earth....halllooooooo
I love Bodypump,Bodysteps,Bodycombat,RPM,Bodyattack.Alright...call me a gym freak.
I don't love myself enough,I love myself way too much.alright,I'm confused
I'm too much of a perfectionist,that's why I'm so unhappy..period

Addicted to PAIN

2006-07-09T21:20:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!! I finally did my waist tattoo!! *pls look @ the left side of this page* Its a custom-made tribal butterfly..I just love it so much! Gonna extend it all the way till my back.The pain is so unbearable.But because there's guys there,I bit my lips to go through without making a single noise.Oh yes,My tattoo artist,Lionel, was like "how come u so quiet?" I replied "Shutup! I'm in no mind to talk to you.."
But all this pain is worth it...It turn out really really beautiful! Oh yeah,my mum did not have the slightest idea about it..think she will literally skin me alive.

Just when I thought he sees me as just a normal friend,he just have to do something to make me think otherwise.Just freaking stop playing games with my heart.

Happiness

2006-07-07T23:45:00.000+08:00

I'm really happy today,even I'm damn tried,even when I can't perform for RPM,even the steamboat buffect sucks,even its damn freaking hot,even when I'm damn guilty of what I had eaten.I'm very happy,so happy that I can't keep smiling and I know I'll have sweet dreams. Thanks Jie for making my day.It's all about you.

Happiness to me is just having a good dinner with a buddy who knows I care and I knows she cares.It is that simple...

Now I dunno what he wants.Quit playing games with my heart

If Only I Could Turn Back Time

2006-07-05T23:21:00.000+08:00

Sometimes in life,people come for a reason,they may stay,or they may leave without a trace.But there are just some people you wished that will stay forever.Again and again I had lost friends.Friends that are so dear to me that till now,I wished certain things might not had happened.

People used to tell me how aloof I'm,how reserved I'm towards people around me.Once bitten twice shy.I had been hurt by people who I held so close,who I shared the deepest fear,but in the end,they left me with no warning,no trace.Me alone in the dark,mourning about the loss.It had made me the person I'm not,only to give part of me into any relationship I'm in,including friendship.I may be so loud,so happy looking,so outgoing,but I'm cold,silent and frighten when I'm alone....I'm just living in this shield...believing as long as I stay this way,I'm safe..

To a particular friend:As in the email,you'll never understand how important to me,because I can't believe I had the capability to devote so much of myself into a friendship.You're there listening to my whinning when he did that to me,listen to my sobbings when I find myself liking someone so much,and in vain in the end.Bitching about how certain situation that piss me off big times.Listening and laughing at my nonsensical and brainless jokes.Giving me the support silently all these while.This friendship had been so into my life that it's so part of me................

If I were to give up anything for this friendship,I will...with no regrats......cos nothing worth more than it.....

Nightmare came through

2006-07-03T23:06:00.000+08:00

I had been looking forward for this day,to team teach out of George St,out of my confort zone.I screwed it,big time,oh no..biggest time.I never felt so lousy before.It's so bad that I wished I can drill ahole and hid in it.Even my worst class so far never made me felt this way.Mondays had always been my best performance,although the spirits is not that high,but I can delivered my stuff decently.But today is an exception.I was totally zone out.As soon as I tried to open and teach,I can't.My voice was totally drowned in the shouts.Totally and it came so early.Even before I can adjust to my mike,even before I can say anything,My voice is drowned.without the slightest delay.No matter how loud I shout,I can't overpower the shouts.No way...and I zoned out,totally freaked out.My suppostingly circle of instructions screwed.Maybe I'm not that well prepared.Mev had been nice,very nice and had bring me thorugh the things I had to work on,in a very nice and encouraging way.I totally appreciated it.But I can't help it but tears flowed as soon as I walked away.It been ages since I cried like this;out of control.I can't help it.......I really can't..
Sometimes the supposed help turns out to be my killer........I appreciated it,really....but sometimes I wished not to have it......I'm still not prepared for it.
Trust me,I'm gonna work hard to rectify the feedback.Nothing is holding me back.I know I can do it,do it well....just stay tune,I'll be back,stronger,larger than life.....

Sometimes I just dunno how to say it,but it's ruining me at some degree...

Confessions of a OLD teenage shopaholic

2006-07-02T23:19:00.000+08:00

oh man....I'm a chronic shopaholic..have been shopping like there's no tomorrow!List of things I bought with this week!!!!

2 Black pants for my combat
1 white 3/4 pants for my combat (again)
1 white sports bra
1 black workout top
a pair of nike guards for Diane Jie
1 pair of pink slippers for Maaler
3 Everlast jackets
1 Everlast Blacktop
2 CDs
1 book
1 pair of Black Les Mills Pants (lucky I'm sharing the shipment with ah di)

Okok...I'm gonna stop....yes..and I mean it..gonna be damn busy with work and gym this week so no time to shop..wooohooooo~~~*hmm......I like tat NUM white bag,that R&J poster..how how how???

Ok...I'll improve on my combat this week,gonna work hard,work hard!!!!!!!!

It had been a good,happy week,really.....hope this is the start of a slow progression to something nice...